Sunday, February 13, 2011

Blood Sucks - Part 4

Let’s go back to Christmas Eve night. I am really worried because I have no idea what is wrong with me. So I go online. We all know the information highway has the answer to everything. I go to Web MD and type “Bloody Stool” into the web search box. Now, I don’t have “Bloody Stool” but figure that can lead me in the right direction. I see a listing for “Bright Red Blood,” which I have. The answer says “Hemorrhoids” or a bigger internal problem. Well seeing that I am in no pain, I figure the latter is the answer. Blood, blood and more blood started to run down my leg. And by now I am going crazy, thinking I’m going to die because I have something wrong with my insides.

Now I call my girlfriend and tell her I need to go to the Emergency Room. She asks me what is wrong, and I was hesitant to answer at first, because it is embarrassing. Finally I tell her, “My ass is bleeding!” She says, “What?” And I repeat to her, “My ass is bleeding and it is bleeding a lot.” Now she starts to worry and I have to go back online to find out what Hospital is covered by my insurance.

Now what really suck was that it was Christmas Eve and we had planned to spend a nice night together. We were going to have a nice dinner, I had bought green and red Christmas tree pasta, have some nice wine, open presents and then I was going to make my family’s traditional Christmas dessert, Cherries Jubilee. But instead she has to pick up her boyfriend who is hemorrhaging from his anus and take him to the fucking Emergency Room!

So we get to the Emergency Room and I tell the guy at the desk that my ass is bleeding. That thought of blood, blood and more blood flashes through his mind. His reply to me is, “Oh, it is either hemorrhoids or a prostate spring.” The blood threw this guy off and made him worry. I mean if I walked in and told him I had a gerbil up my ass he would have been fine. He would have given me a Habitrail and told me to wait for the doctor!

Fuck, I’m thinking to myself. Prostate, colon or some other internal organ is screwed up. All from the blood! I finally get in the waiting room and put on one of those ugly hospital robes. As I discard my clothes, I look at my jeans and see a huge blood stain on the back. (That really sucked because they were brand new.) Then I look at my boxers, my Christmas boxers with little Santa Clauses on them and they are covered. My thighs, my balls were totally covered too. I see all this blood and I can feel my heart beat and blood pressure rising to record levels, higher than an illiterate’s S.A.T. scores. And why, because of my fear of the crimson tide!

To be continued...

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Blood Sucks - Part 3

I had a very scary situation with blood about six or seven years ago. Every once in awhile after you take a crap, you might wipe a little bit too hard. It may be you or it might have been the toilet paper you used. (You know the kind that feels like it is made of Plexiglas. That is why you should never steal TP from hotels.) Hell, it may have been something you ate, but you will see some red. Not alarming, it is just the nature of the dump trade. (I always like using the word dump, it makes me laugh. When I was a kid we called it bom bom. I have no idea why, and haven’t gotten around to asking my mom why we used such a stupid term.)

Well, I ended up wiping blood for about three days. I was a little worried, but I was regular so who can bitch. By the way they say you should eat five fruits and vegetables to become that way. But to be honest over the course of a week that is thirty five fruits and vegetables and I don’t have the time for that. So on Sunday I eat thirty five fruits and vegetables. Now, I’m not regular, I’m fucking congruent. Anyway, I bought some Preparation H and figured it would go away.

Fast forward a few nights later and it is Christmas Eve. I use the bathroom and wipe. First wipe no brown, just bright red. And I mean fucking bright red. Brighter than a heavy metal band member’s leather pants. Second, third, fourth wipe and more bright red. No pain, just red. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m bleeding out my ass. Not something I’m familiar because I am pretty off limits down there. I mean hell I can’t even handle a suppository. And remember blood = worry, so I’m thinking what should I do.

Ok, I need to digress for a bit. I said down there is off limits but there was this one time years ago. I was living back East and my buddy owned a dry cleaner. One of his customers had tickets to a Phillies game, so we all went. The game got rained out and we were drinking before hand. We were pretty lit, with nowhere to go, so my buddy’s customer, who was married, suggests we go to an Asian Bath House and get massages. So we show up and go into our private rooms. This Asian lady is rubbing my back and then asks me, “You want happy ending? Fifteen dollar!” Well, I’m pretty loaded and was a single 25 year old guy so I figured what the fuck.

Then I notice I have no money, but knew one of my friends did. So I wrap up in a towel and run down to another of the private rooms. I barge in and there is my buddy getting a happy ending. He was like, “What are you doing, Cooper?” I told him taking some money out of his pants that were on the floor, and he couldn’t do a fucking thing about it right now. So I run back to my private room and give the lady my cash. As she is stroking me, she is also putting her finger, you know where. I would have told her to stop, but she is a professional so probably knows what she was doing. Plus I didn’t want to piss her off because my dick was in her hand and I didn’t want to get an Indian burn. Anyway she gets done and we all meet up at the car. I ask my friends, “Hey, did any of you get a finger up your ass?” And they were like, “No, dude, you must have gotten the bonus plan!”

To be continued...