Saturday, October 02, 2010

Plight of the Pickled Egg Salesman - Part 1

I was at a bar the other night and saw a jar of Pickled Eggs. Now, I have never tried a pickled egg before and to my knowledge, no one I know has ever tried one either. My assumption is that they must taste like, well a pickled egg. That does not sound very appetizing to me. As Cleveland from The Family Guy would say, “That’s nasty.”

The question I have is, who sells pickled eggs and how did they get into the business?

What would make someone choose that profession? Did some guy as a child strive to sell fucking pickled eggs to bars? Think about it. This guy is nine years old and in class the teacher asks the kids what they want to do when they get older. One kid says be the President. Another says be a Fireman. And yet another says be a Policeman. And this fool says he wants to sell pickled eggs. I could only imagine the Teacher’s response to this. (If it was a good teacher, the kid would have been signed up to Home Ec 101, ASAP!)

But hey, you have a dream, so you follow it! You go to college, major in Business with the long term career goal of selling pickled eggs. Then you graduate and start looking for jobs. But guess what? I bet it is always hard times in the pickled egg industry. It's some mean streets for the wannabe egg salesman. Think about it. You send out your resume, with the objective line stating:
“To have a prosperous, challenging and fulfilling career in the field of pickled egg sales.”

What company is taking that seriously? You could have graduated Magna fucking Cum-Laude from the Wharton School of Business, but most companies would laugh at you. You could be a god damn Rhodes Scholar, but you would be the butt of a joke that CEO’s would tell each other over a glass of Scotch forever.

OK. So now you need money to pay back your student loans. You could take a job in Pharmaceutical Sales, because you have the credentials. You went to an Ivy League school and graduated near the top of your class. It would be an ideal position. Great starting salary, good commission structure, company car, 401K, complete benefits and a short workday. Awesome fucking gig, huh? But guess what? It isn’t right for you, because you want to sell pickled eggs!

So what would the novice pickled eggs salesman do now? Would he try to find a mentor? Go in search of the most proficient pickled egg salesman who is a master closer? I’m sure there is the guru of pickled egg salesmen, but I think the reason he is, is because he is the only fucking pickled egg salesman out there! He has the monopoly on the business!

To be continued...

No comments: