Actually, I'm not mocking the Armenians. Because I am working on an Armenian Reality Show that I want to pitch. But it will be for American TV, not an Armenian TV channel. I don't know if you have ever seen Armenian TV, but it is so bad it is awesome. Almost all the commercials they run for restaurants or clubs seem to have Moby's song Play jamming in the background. (Oh, and I am sure they called for the rights to use it.)
I saw a video on Armenian TV and it was so bad, it was great. There was this chubby guy, with a full head of hair, full beard and of course the uni-brow dancing around. He looked like Sasquatch cutting a rug. And he was wearing a tight black button down shirt, chains a showing and tight black jeans. And he was really dancing hard and belting out the tunes. While belting out some garbled crap that I couldn't understand, he was in front of a Green Screen. And on the screen was all these random pictures, I guess he was trying to tell a story, but I was completely lost. The pictures kept flashing on for a few seconds then would be followed by another picture. There was Mount Rushmore, then an old Armenian lady, then a Mercedes, then a Cell Phone Store in a shopping center, then a Mercedes, a bottle of vodka, a Lexus, then a close up on him grooving. Then back to the pictures, an Armenian flag, a cigarette, a map of California with a star on Glendale, a Falafel...and I'm saying to myself, "What is this director thinking?" The video made those old crappy Mentos commercials look like the winner of the fucking Palme d' Or at the Cannes Film Festival!
That is why I am pitching my show to American TV. The show will follow in the footsteps of that old show on the Bravo network called, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." However, my show will be titled, "White Eye for the Armo Guy."
My first guest will be Armand or Edmund, not sure which one yet. And I will convince one of them that a leather jacket over a wife beater is not a fashion statement. Then I will instruct him to lose the Adidas sweat pants and loafers with no socks, because it just isn't cutting it. And finally, I will tell him to lose the Drakkar Noir, because it is not 1988 anymore!
I joke, I am not doing that show. But I am going to start producing Armenian porn, because from my visits to the Video Store, it seems they like the porn...a lot! I saw one of them walking out of the back room with that little privacy curtain and he had a stack of 8 pornos! 8 fucking pornos! And he wasn't even trying to be non-chalant! This guy had no shame. In fact, he was trying to find out if porno qualified for the rent one get one free promotion! 8 porns! And I'm thinking, geez, how many times can one jerk off in a weekend?
Sidebar here. I personally don't masturbate to porn. I'm such an Egotist at times, when I masturbate, I fantasize about myself masturbating. Maybe a little too much information, but fuck it, we're all friends here.
I do think the Armenian porn should be a success though. I've found my first Porn Star and his name is Ron Jeremyian. So look for our first project soon. It is called "Kiss My Fleshkabob!"