Saturday, September 18, 2010

Armenians - Part 1

I just got back from Armenia, and man there was a lot of people from Glendale over there!

I joke, I joke, I like the Armenians, but to be honest, before I moved to Los Angeles, specifically Burbank, I had no idea what an Armenian was. The closest we had to them back in South Jersey were be exact Guidos. However I grew up in a Jewish town, so we actually had Jewish Guidos. Guys like Moeshe D'Antonio, Himey Esposito, Dominic Rosenstein and Vinnie Greenberg.

These guys were great. They would walk around with a thick gold chain with a Jewish Star and wear a pinky ring with a Mezuzah on it, eating delicacies like Minestrone and Gelfite Fish soup and Brisket Parmesan. The best would be when they were about to get in a fight:
"Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? Don't fuck with me, I'll fucking sue you!...Fucking Goyam!

But back to the Armenians. I will tell you, they are some hairy Bastards! Now don't get me wrong, I'm a hairy guy too! Seriously. When I go to the beach kids are like:
"Mommy can I pet him?"
And I'm like, "Back off kid, I'm not a fucking Manatee, OK?"
I mean, I mean it's bad. Put it this way, my cats use a lint brush on me, OK? If I was to get waxed, it would take a lot of those fucking Yankee Candles. Hopefully, Almond Cookie or Coconut Bay! But hey, that's my tastes.

I once shaved my chest and lost about two inches from my jacket size. In fact at times if I'm hitting the town, I shave lines in my stomach to resemble abs. Then when I wear a tight shirt, I look ripped!

But these Armenian guys blow me away with their body hair. It's like, "Holy Shit!" No contest from me. I had dinner with a few of them and when I joined the table, it looked like Curious George was eating with a bunch of Gorillas!

The best part about them is their Uni-brow! What the hell is that all about? Don't they look in the fucking mirror in the morning? Put it this way. It is a known fact that a moustache and your eye brows should not be parallel lines!

Seriously, don't their friends say anything? I saw one guy and this is no lie, I swear. Think back to when you were a kid. Remember for school you would have to draw a picture of the beach? You would make squiggly lines to represent the waves in the ocean, draw a palm tree and the sun, and then make a little swoop thing that looked like a fat, messy letter v to be a bird flying over the water. Well this guy's Uni-brow looked like that bird you crayoned in 4th grade. What the fuck? I was like:
"Hey, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, why don't you mix a Mach 3 into your grooming routine!"
And of course he had no idea what I was talking about.

To be continued...

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