I was walking down the street the other day, being harassed by this gutterpup, and I asked him:
“Hey, if you're so hurting for money, why don't you try to get a job?"
His reply, "All that's available is minimum wage jobs, and I ain't no dishwasher!"
“Really?”, I thought. “Well, let's see. You're dressed in rags, you're missing teeth, you're drunk and you smell like urine. Damn, don't tell me...let me guess. Oh, OK, you're an ex-CEO who just went through corporate downsizing and bad investment advice. Hey, just be happy you didn’t invest with Madoff or work for AIG, because then you would be in a really bad situation!”
The guy I was chatting with then told me he couldn't get a good job because he didn't have an address. Gee, do you know why you don't have an address? Because you don’t have a fucking home and aren’t trying to get one, that's why! My feelings are, if you want to sit on your ass all day and ask for change, become a fucking toll booth collector!
What really can get me pissed are the young homeless. I see people in their mid 20's and they're asking me for money. I always see one guy walking around with his trench coat and just panhandling away. He asks for cash so he can buy some food. Oh, and of course as he is doing this he's smoking a cigarette. Hey, jerk off, put down the GPC, Player, Harley or what ever piece of shit you're smoking, (which by the way if you smoke a carton of those cheap smokes, I do think you'll get gum disease immediately) and use that money for some grub. Hell, I think it is fifty cent tacos at Del Taco these days. The best part about this guy is, one day he was walking around town with a rat on his shoulder. He had a white rat, perched on him. Hey, bet that looks good at a job interview. Rodents are always a selling point when you want to prove you're a dependable employee. (Of course this rat was probably a harder worker than the transient who he was hanging with.) So get your act together Willard and stop bugging me.
He's not the only younger bum I see. I love these kids who are wearing Doc Martins, have thousands of body piercings and have really expensive tattoos all over their bodies. They want my change? Guess what? It's not my job to finance the Goth Nation! So turn off the Cure music and get a paper route jerk-off! Hell, I'd rather see these guys sucking dick on Hollywood Boulevard, then give them some coinage. Oh, and who knows, maybe they'd run into some celebrity looking for someone to solicit. Some of these “stars” really need the press after that masterpiece that was supposed to be their comeback went straight to DVD, and TMZ is always looking for some story!
But just when I thought I have seen everything, something new arises. I had a homeless guy begging for change because his homeless babe was pregnant. And I was thinking, how did this guy get laid? He's homeless for Christ's sake! I know good looking guys with great jobs who can't get ass, and this derelict is laying pipe! What's his pick up line?"What do I do for a living? Uh, I'm a bum. I'm a bum who lives in a box. Actually, I have two boxes. It's a duplex."
I saw this situation and thought one word. Condoms! No. Make it two words. Don't fuck! Because I know my tax dollar will end up paying for his kid. But finally, I did look at his lady and gave her some change. What the hell, she did have a bum in the oven!