Kids in Restaurants - Part 1

I have worked in restaurants on and off throughout my life and frequent them a lot. These days, I've noticed that kids control their parents, and not the other way around, and that makes me sad.

When I was a kid, I sat, ate, and behaved. It was a treat to go out to dinner, and if I acted up and became the brat from hell, guess what? I was going out to the car, being driven home, and would not be making a return to any dining establishment in the near future. Today, however, kids don't give a shit. They say: "Big deal, we're eating out at a nice restaurant. I don’t care. Hey, at least it's better than being at McDonalds!"
Nowadays, kids think fast food is a given, just something they deserve. And people wonder why so many kids are fat, flabby and out of shape. The answer is quite obvious! Fast food has become an alternative to cooking and that makes kids look down upon it. They figure, Mom didn’t want to cook tonight, so we are heading to the drive-thru.

Well, guess what? Fuck you children of the 2000's! I used to look forward to getting an "A" on my report card, so I could get a free cheeseburger at Mickey D's. Back in the late 70's, that was a goal to strive for an achievement, but now it doesn't mean shit! Ronald McDonald has become a lost face in the crowd. He's an outsider and has no relevance anymore. When I was younger, he was a role model, weird to be honest, but he was a type of role model. He rewarded children for doing well and even started the Ronald McDonald house for kids with cancer. In my eyes as a child, this guy should have won a fucking Humanitarian Award! But now, he doesn't mean crap. He is looked at as a red headed, poorly dressed, ugly shoe wearing, and a possibly child molesting, dork ass clown.

But I know he isn't that bad. He isn’t someone like the late Michael Jackson. He is just a misunderstood cat. He made a bad deal with a corporation. (He sold his soul to The Man!) But don't hold it against him. I want Ronald back. I want McDonald's to give a free burger for getting a good grade. (Hell, who knows I might take a class at night school, just to get something for free. Hell, call me cheap, but we are in a fucking recession!) The gratis cheeseburger is a compliment to us kids from the past. I want Ronny to stand for something, for a job well done. Bring him back, and while we're at it, bring along Grimace, the Hamburglar and Mayor McCheese.

Have to make a quick sidebar. I would have loved to seen the Hamburglar on an episode of the old HBO series, Oz. I wonder what gang he would have rolled with and whose bitch he would have been.

Kids go out for supper these days, and just go nuts. They act like characters from the book Lord of the Flies. (In fact, if I saw a kid out to dinner in a loin cloth, it wouldn’t surprise me.) And what sucks is parents these days don't have the balls to say anything about the sub-standard behavior. Society has deemed it inappropriate to be an authoritarian. If you yell at them, or spank them at all, people have a flash back to the 90's, and worry they might pull a Lyle and Eric Menendez on your ass. (Damn, you think for being a rich kid, that one Menendez would have had a much better hairpiece. Sy Sperling from the Hair Club for Men even laughs at him.)

Put it this way, if you have an uppity kid, instead of being thankful for being raised in a good environment, he'll blame you for his short comings. That is because everyone is a victim these days. Why thank you, Gloria Allred. And then he will plan to make up for that fact by shooting you or suing you. And if you try to discipline that child, and be a good parent, you always have that asshole sticking their nose in your business: "You really shouldn't treat your child like that. It's not good for them. It might leave emotional scars."


Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you shut the fuck up, Joyce Brothers, before I give you some scars of your own! Read some text books, ok? There is a difference between discipline and abuse. Discipline..."Don't do that or you'll get spanked." Abuse..."Next time it's not the Whiffle Ball bat, it's the Louisville Slugger!" So folks, don't worry about other people's kids, because as you do, your kid just bought an overcoat and went off to school with an Uzi.

To be continued...