Tijuana

So I' recently went on vacation, trying to get a little R & R, also known as rest and relaxation, but in translation has the meaning of beer, women, and more beer. My destination was Mexico, Puerta Vallarta to be exact. It was the first time I flew to Mexico, but not my first time in Mexico.

When living in San Diego, I used to go to Tijuana a lot. You've heard of the place, it's where little children hawk boxes of Canal gum for two dollars a box but call them Chickley. (That is how Chicklet sounds in Spanish.) However, never let the little ones see any of your dinero, because if they do, they'll follow you around town like the rats following the Pied Piper.

The kids on the street of Tijuana are good at wheeling and dealing, but not as good as me! They try to give you an inflated price, like $3 for a little bracelet, but I know I can get the thing for $2. My friends tell me that the kids have a hard life and I should not barter with them. Fuck that! We are in a recession and every dollar counts. (I can be a jerk, but in fact, I am helping these kids learn business lessons.)

T.J. (the nickname for Tijuana) is also home of as I call him, The Donkey Zebra Man. Oh, and this is not an Urban Legend or Folklore like the Lochness Monster, Jersey Devil or Mexico’s own Chupa Cabra. This guy is the idiot who has painted a donkey with black and white stripes so it looks like a Zebra, and then asks if you want to get a picture, for a price, with this poor animal. Bad thing for me is, after a few cervezas I always end up asking the guy if he knows he got ripped off and thought he actually was buying a Zebra but got a Donkey instead. Then I proceed to tell the guy that his Zebra looks like a "fucking Donkey!" And he always looks at me with a dumbfounded look, and has not understood a word I've said and replies, with a “Huh?”"

Tijuana can be fun, but take my word for one thing, never go to a strip club called, "El Diablo." Oh, and a few other things you should never do; arm wrestle Eric Estrada, criticize Abe Vigoda or punch Carol Channing in the face.

So me and some buddies throw a bachelor party in T.J. One of the guys keeps insisting that we go to a Strip Club, and he is meaning ASAP! He wouldn't shut up about it, and then we saw it. A picture of a girl on this sign. And below her in bold letters, the name "El Diablo." (Which I believe in Spanish means the Devil.) We walk in and the place looked like something out of a David Lynch movie. It had low red painted ceilings, and with the heat they actually looked like they were sweating. A man with slicked back black hair and a sleazy moustache, (if he was in America he'd probably have been a Carny) led us to a booth so we could check out the dancers. There were five of them, just standing on stage. No shaking their asses, just standing in stillness. All of them were in their mid 30's to mid 40's, out of shape, unattractive and wearing not bikinis, but two piece black bathing suits that looked like they were from 1950. (They could have been swimmers at the Steel Pier in Atlantic City years ago.)

Oh, and the worst part? They all had bruises on their legs and arms. But from the looks on their faces, you could tell they loved their job. Ok, that was a joke. After looking at them, whenever I say my job sucks, I want to punch myself in the face. So we're at the booth and one of these troglodytes comes over and asks me to buy her a drink. Why the fuck would I buy her a drink? She's on the job and shouldn't do that when working. I told her, "No. Get your own. You probably get your beers free or discounted." (And they were serving 7 ounced bottles of Tecate, which I have never seen before or since.) So she figures out a drink is not an option, so changes her tune. She asks if I want a hand job for five bucks. Guess it would have been a good deal, but I wasn't interested. And damn, really was less interested after I saw her hands. They were all old looking and wrinkled. I would have felt like I was getting jerked off by Betty White.

As usual I digress. I think Betty White is pretty hot. In fact I used to fantasy I was having a four on one with the "Golden Girls." Their hands would be all over me, all eight hands. It would be like I was getting taking advantage of by an old, grey, wrinkled octopus. (But of course three of the four are no longer with us anymore, so that thought has left the Spank Bank. Maybe I will set my sights on the girls from the "Facts of Life." That even includes Natalie played by Fat Mindy Cohn. That's not her real name I just like to call her that. Did you know on that TV show, her character was the first to lose her virginity? And better yet, she lost it to the guy who played Damone in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High." I wonder if he gave her Cheap Trick tickets.)

After all that went down, we decided to get the hell out of "El Diablo." The whole time I was there, in the back of my mind, I had a feeling that one of those bloodbath scenes you might see in a Tarantino movie could happen at any minute.

It did end up being a great night. It was cheap in comparison to what it would have cost in the US. Only downside? We never found the Donkey Show.