Marijuana and Me - Part 1

Well, let us put it this way, I’m not a big marijuana smoker. It’s not that I have anything against it, it is just the fact I can’t handle it. Now I not saying I never have smoked it, because I have, but it is maybe a five times a year occurrence.

It was different when I was in college and high school. Oh, shit I just admitted I have smoked and inhaled it. Well, technically I never said I did inhale it, but if I didn’t I would be a fucking idiot. (I wouldn't get high and I would be wasting someone’s good doobage. Would be better off being pretentious and smoking a fucking clove cigarette! FYI, doobage is a word that I learned from the movie The Breakfast Club. Bender, played by Judd Nelson, said, “Ahab where’s my doobage!”)

Oh well, I guess I can’t run for President now. Cause I have tried the wacky tobacky. Plus I have so many skeletons in my closet, Dexter Morgan would tap me on my back and give me props and a hug. I mean, shit, you know how they have those mud slinging commercials around election time? They are usually about thirty seconds, but mine could be a fucking hour long documentary!

Anyway, back to marijuana. I think the reason I can’t handle the stuff is because I grew up in NJ and we would smoke the Jersey dirt weed. It was some leaves mixed with stems and seeds. (The funny thing is, when you would not clean your pot well, a seed would end up in your pipe and would pop just as you would inhale. It could scare the fucking shit out of you.) So I never really built up my tolerance for strong dope.

I will tell you one thing about cleaning weed back in the day. The best way to do it was by using the album Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon.” What was great about that was it opens like a double album, but only had one album in it. (So you wouldn’t have to worry about the second album falling out.) Basically, you would start off at the top of the opened album cover and drop your weed onto it. Then you would get a 3 x 5 card and scrape the weed so the seeds would all roll into the album crease. Fucking brilliant! Oh and you could hide your weed in the album and put it in the middle of all your other albums and your parents would never find it.

(FYI, it was also a good thing that Dark Side of the Moon was a great album to listen to when stoned. The one thing I never understood was when people said you could line it up in sync with The Wizard of Oz and they would perfectly match up. Well my question is, how would you know when it was actually in sync? Especially if you were stoned? I guess it is just one of those Urban Myths, like the one I heard growing up about a Philly Newscaster getting a gerbil stuck up his ass. What was amazing about that load of crap was that everyone you knew had a relative that worked at the hospital that he went to. And they all would name a different place where their relatives worked. So I’m guessing he went to ten fucking hospitals, because no doctor knew the correct approach to getting a rodent out of a bung hole! Oh, this is another reason I don’t smoke weed a lot, because I tend to over analyze stuff in my everyday life. So just think what I would be like stoned! Fuck, I could attempt to write a fortune cookie and it would end up as long as Crime and Punishment!)

To be continued...